The world needs perfectionists.  We appreciate this trait in our brain surgeon, the person responsible for building our home, the person working on the assembly line of our next car. Yet extreme perfectionism brings its own challenges to individuals. We see the signs of developing perfectionism in some young children: those who refuse to colour in because they can’t keep between the lines, or those who try to avoid a school task because it seems too daunting to complete to their exceptionally high standards.

The more extreme forms of perfectionism can be exhausting and unhealthy for some children.  If they can’t cope with a flawless performance, they become extremely self-critical, which prevents them from actually accomplishing what they would otherwise like to do.

Perfectionism has been divided into two forms (Westrupp, King and Sheen, writing for The Conversation):

1. Perfectionistic strivings, characterised by a determination to meet goals and achieve highly
2. Perfectionistic concerns, shown when a child frets about being able to meet high standards, and self-criticism about performance.

While perfectionistic strivings can be positive and lead to high achievement, perfectionistic concerns can lead to a higher chance of children developing eating disorders or anxiety and depression, and having lower academic achievement.

You can help by trying to develop a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset in your children (Ginsburg, American Academy of Pediatrics).  He writes that praise and criticism can lead to a “fixed mindset,” rather than a healthier “growth mindset.” For example, when children are constantly praised for being ‘smart’ or ‘clever’ they are more likely to grow to fear being seen as anything else, while those who receive approval for the effort they put into their tasks develop a passion for growth.

Young people with a growth mindset believe their intelligence can be developed with effort. When they don’t do something as well as they hoped, they don’t see themselves as failures, but as learners. In contrast, people with a fixed mindset (including perfectionists) may believe people are either smart or not, and that failure proves you’re not. They may even believe that having to work hard at something suggests a lack of natural intelligence.

People with a growth mindset feel successful when they can do something they couldn’t do before, whereas those with fixed mindsets feel successful when they avoid errors or task that seem too challenging.

To help your child build a growth mindset, praise the effort, rather than the product.  Do be mindful of the amount of time the child needs to put effort into a task.  Time and energy spent on a project may deprive them on needed sleep, exercise, play or social time.  They need to learn how to balance the demands of their daily lives otherwise they could feel overwhelmed and find it difficult to focus on any one activity.

Ginsburg suggests that the best antidote to an unhealthy sense of perfectionism is unconditional acceptance.  The most essential ingredient in raising resilient children is the connections you create when you love or accept your children unconditionally and hold them to high but reasonable expectations.  School results or performance should not be the focus of your expectations but rather effort, integrity, generosity, empathy and other attributes valued by our societies.

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